The Friend Zone: Perpetuating a culture of obligation

The term “friend zone” first came into use in a 1994 episode of “Friends,” where Joey calls Ross the “mayor of the friend zone.” Although it started as a harmless joke on a TV series, in this decade, the term has spread like wildfire, producing countless memes (including one of a sloth whispering into a woman’s ear with the text “She put me in the Friend Zone/I put her in the rape zone”) standup comedy routines and skits.

Urban Dictionary defines “friend zone” as follows:

A state of being where a male inadvertently becomes a ‘platonic friend’ of an attractive female who he was trying to initiate a romantic relationship. Females have been rumored to arrive in the Friend Zone, but reports are unsubstantiated.

Girl:

“I love you (Insert the poor bastard’s name here), but I don’t want to ruin a great friendship by dating you.”

Guy:

“Well why the f*ck did I waste two months on you?”

The whole concept of the friend zone assumes, When Harry Met Sally style, that men and women can’t be friends. Even worse, it blames a woman for not wanting romantic relationships with all of her male friends simply because they were nice to her. The idea goes on the premise that because a man listened to a woman’s problems, was there for her when she was down and has done all of the things a friend would have, the woman is somehow obligated to be “more-than-friends” with him.

If I follow this model, I can safely assume that what boys want is for girls to date or sleep with all of the “nice guys” that they are friends with. However, if a girl does do this, she’s called  “slut,” “whore” or “easy.”

There’s an anonymous quote floating around the Internet that sums up this idea perfectly: “’Slut’ is how we vilify a woman for exercising her right to say ‘yes’. ‘Friend Zone’ is how we vilify a woman for her for her right to say ‘no’.”

In our society, there’s no way for a woman to do the right thing when it comes to accepting or rejecting romantic advances. So what can we do to stop this seemingly endless cycle of judgment?

I encourage you to stop using the term “friend zone” altogether. While there are relationships where one party wants to be involved in a romantic relationship and the other does not, nobody puts someone else in a “zone” that they can’t escape. Instead of saying “She put me in the friend zone!” try saying “She just wanted to be friends.” By using language like this, you’re talking about your relationship in a way that doesn’t cast blame on anyone.

I also think that viewing friendship as something to be valued instead of a negative side effect of a romantic relationship can shift your attitude dramatically.

In high school, friendships often last much longer than dating relationships. Making, having and being a friend is important for becoming a better person and growing into someone that people want to have romantic relationships with. Instead of cursing the person who put you in the dreaded friend zone, value their friendship and take the opportunity to grow from the experience.