Normally, with this column, I wanted to just generally recommend albums without much profundity or deep thought. However, lately I keep thinking about a single song. I’ve stayed up later than I should these past couple nights listening to the song and reading about its backstory. There’s something so intense and captivating about it.

Rufus Wainwright is a prolific singer-songwriter, the son of similarly prolific singer-songwriter Loudon Wainwright III. In 1998, Rufus Wainwright had released his first album and was starting work on his second one. However, behind the scenes, Wainwright was getting involved with the most dangerous parts of the gay community and being exposed to risky party drugs like ketamine and ecstasy. Eventually, methamphetamine, or crystal meth, became a particularly problematic drug for him, and he became extremely dependent on the substance.

Wainwright continued to release music. His second album, reached the top position on the Billboard Heatseekers Chart in 2001. However, at the same time, Wainwright’s crystal meth addiction persisted, and at one point he temporarily lost his eyesight due to his drug use. After a particularly rough drug crash, his flurry of emotions culminated into a song entitled Go or Go Ahead.

Go or Go Ahead is not a benevolent song warning others about the perils of drug use, and it certainly isn’t a song glamorizing crystal meth. The song instead is just about Wainwright’s emotional pain, wallowing in sadness more than aiming for didacticism. It’s hard not to be moved by the song in its full 7-minute glory. Stadium-ready electric guitar and layers and layers of background vocals guide the song from barely above a whisper to a roaring chorus, and back again.

The song is subtle and at some points almost incomprehensible, shrouded in metaphor and mythological references. He takes jabs at those who had originally introduced him to meth: “Thank you for this bitter knowledge,” he murmurs as the song starts, “guardian angels who left me stranded.” He also makes allusions to his temporary blindness, repeatedly mentioning eyes and sight throughout the song.

What’s almost more telling than the lyrics itself, however, is a video I had seen on Youtube of him performing the song. He introduces the song nervously, struggling to form sentences as he tells the audience “Most of this next song came to me after a horrible three-day crystal meth binge in San Francisco.” What’s interesting is that he could barely finish the sentence before the audience wildly cheers for the sentiment. In a way, that speaks to the culture of drug use even more than what the song itself communicates.

Go or Go Ahead would never be played in a DARE class or anything of the sort, but it gives a lot to think about. As Wainwright often says in interviews, there is no such thing as a casual crystal meth user.

Here’s a link to the song so you can listen for yourself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTQLWYWnYB8